Purging, energetically and physically 🤮…
I spent Monday and Tuesday purging from my body as it rained outside for those two days. I asked the Universe for water and I got it. Also meters away from Europe’s largest waterfall.
I shared a previous post about being exhausted from sharing and it’s occurrence of being like a job I don’t get paid for. Which was true. I mean all this sharing because that’s what you do when you have a business, you share. And from the experts, you do it everyday multiple times a day. And on top of that I hear from others all the time how my sharing positively impacts them. So I shared on.. and on.. from a place that eventually only showed itself from ‘I should’ and obligation. And I was angry, truthfully. My thoughts were simple put, “fuck you”.
Sunday I had a breakdown. Sitting in my Swiss friends house reading The Sabian Symbols: A Screen of Prophecy reading a passage for my 00° Moon in Gemini. By the way before I arrived I received the thought I would much like to read a book and this was it, the only one in her house in English. So I read this passage. Its symbol, A Peacock Parading on an Ancient Lawn. I read it 4 times. I don’t remember what the words were, but I remember what it evoked. Sitting there I just couldn’t be with my own internal state about money anymore and I couldn’t keep it inside anymore. Hiding it for fear of embarrassment wasn’t opening doors and was robbing me from really being present with others and on some level feeling like a fraud of representing being a powerful creator.
Now reading this you may be thinking something like, “but you travel the world..”. Yes we’ll I’ve gotten so good at manifesting without money. Many things in my life I do not actually exchange money for. I have free flight for the year, I’m offered places to live rent free, tangible things I desire show up as gifts from others or I can literally find them walking around. In the end, everything I could desire does show up, but it was showing up with an avoidance of manifesting money.
It’s not just a conversation about money, it’s my business and romantic partnership. This conversation representing and blocking my willingness to manifest the romantic partner of my dreams. Because how could I dare revel this about myself and have some amazing man love me.
With that book in my hands I made a choice and said no more.
The next day I woke with inspiration to journal, so I did. As I was journaling it was time to face the music. I was guided to look at this man’s profile that I follow. Most often when I see his posts I am so agitated. So I pulled up his YouTube and his profile and just looked. I asked myself, “okay, what is it that he is showing me about myself that doesn’t feel good?”. What showed itself to me is that he is NOT AFRAID to ask for what he wants. He shares his offerings, some free and many he charges for. I watched his videos which I had avoided previously and read his posts. I took notes.
These notes weren’t going to do though. I’ve done that before, changed the outer representation in hopes of a different result, but my inside only changed with the changing outer circumstances. No, this would have to be an inside job. If I am to have peace in this relationship, it will because I am doing my inner work. Outer manipulation just won’t do anymore.
I wrote… What is it that I need to do for me. To affect and transform my inner world. So I wrote these three things: meditation, writing and imagination. Now, do I do these things already, yes, but not all three everyday.
Later that day the purging came… vomiting for hours, diarrhea for hours as it poured outside…
It was like an exorcism.
A few days later I realized what I was really purging was anger. All the anger stored inside of me around this area of my life. And not just any anger, REPRESSED anger. The thing that kills people. I died those two days. Dead to the world and happy to be. You see, most people who know me or who have met me have never experienced my expression of anger. Sadness, yes. Happiness, yes. Fear, yes. Doubt, yes. Certainty, yes. Excitement, yes. But not anger.
So why am I sharing this.
Because living in a reality where I thrive with money and the partnership of my dreams cannot be put aside anymore.
And I’ve been doing my inner work…
Yesterday, I had my biggest clothing sale come in from a purchaser in Norway who follows me on Instagram. He’s been following me for years now and loves my work.
I’m not afraid to charge anymore. In the past (just days ago) it was one of the most uncomfortable conversations in my life. Today, this moment my perspective is this, “Damn straight I charge for my content. I get this! I get this working out for me in my life. Because I say so!”