The fear of giving up something that is deemed to be ‘oh so valuable’ is an interesting journey.
Maybe interesting isn’t the proper word to describe it, though it is that too, it’s been more of a battle for me.
Believing in what others say and doing what I see others do has almost always left me empty.
An emptiness that can never be filled. Like drinking water and watching it flow out at the same time.
Yet while seeing this happening, still drinking the water and hoping something would change.
That maybe my body would absorb it and my cells rejoice.
Day after day drinking, drinking, drinking and still nothing.
Wondering what must be wrong with me that I drink and still do not absorb + nourish mySELF.
Something must be wrong with me.
I search out those drinking and ask them, “what pretail do you see wrong with me”.
They share tails of not what they see wrong but who they see me as; as I am.
That’s it! I must be myself. Sure then I will adapt to my inherent drinking then I will absorb and nourish mySELF.
I hold the water just so and I drink; I drink as myself.
I discover water being absorbed in ways not yet experienced before and yet so much of it still flowing out at the same time.
This is the key I tell myself. Key to be mySELF. Surely holding the water just so as myself is the key.
I drink for days like this. Watching, observing. Keeping score of my absorption and the amount of my nourishment.
Surely I must be doing better or at least just as good as others; because I am sure I must learn how to absorb and nourish just as they do.
Many Sunrises + Sunsets go by and yet I still find myself dry and tired.
Maybe if I drink like… OH MY GOSH, MAYBE, MAYBE, WHAT IF, TRY THIS, BE MYSELF…
If that could just stop.
So I stopped and it stopped.
I do not know if the water is truly important or even necessary.
I do know that stopping feels nice. Not as in a place to get to or to figure out; as in a place to BE.