One of the most amazing highlights of 2019 was when I traveled to a land I had always dreamed of visiting, #IRELAND, and it turned to shit.
I manifested a moldy dump of a house with 7 cats, urine on the floor and a kitchen I’d never wish anyone to eat in; one cat I had to physical assist it to poop and one who died. Oh! and a customs interrogation that had me throwing a sad party of tears for myself, almost denied entry and stamped with visiting limitations.
You might be wondering why this is an amazing highlight. It’s precisely what I mentioned above AND who I had to be to truly fall in love with a country I now was so not in love with anymore.
I sat there in the moldy disgusting house with sick cats all around me face swollen with tears after 5 hours of cleaning a place I was wondering how I would last living in for the next 28 days. Questioning why I left my family and ignored my intuition to come here when clearly it was guiding me away for the hell hole experience.
I did what I know best – I let my emotions BE – I felt the feels and said to myself whatever I needed to say. AND then I got real with myself and said, ” I can continue to cry and beat up on myself for not honoring, aka ignoring, my intuition or I can find the good.” I made a choice, to find the good. And accepted where I was, “Now what? I’m here, now what? It doesn’t matter where I was or what could have been. I’m here, so now what?”
I looked and I looked every single damn day and I found it – the good. It was work I tell you but it was way more important that I feel good than wallow in judgement and anger.
Fast forward day 28 I’m on a bus to the Shannon airport looking out the window appreciating all that had transpired. How I fell in love with Ireland (again), how I met The Burren (one of my most favorite places in the world), how delicious and rich the food is (totally didn’t expect that), how I started my own herb book documenting plant communication with me (been tuning into that for years), how I would manifest a new place to stay on an organic farm with my breakfast prepared everyday and a house full of the sweetest Swiss Beings (didn’t see that one coming) and how much fun I’d have driving a stick on the opposite side of the road down those narrow windy road (fucking exhilarating)…
And then I got IT. The meaning of life. Ha! Well not really, but yes. I chuckled and said out loud on that bus, “UNIVERSE you mean to tell me that this WHOLE time what I’ve been looking for is me?!”
You see I put “Ireland” on a pedestal. A pedestal that was turned to shit before I even landed in the country. As I searched and searched for the good and more so, as I demanded of myself to do anything and everything to connect to my Inner Being (as it was so clearly missing by how I was feeling) I found something I didn’t expect to find — the love of my life, ME.
I continued to chuckle on that bus at the humor of it all. That I had spent focus in my life looking for something and someone outside of myself and what I was truly looking for was ME.
I smiled as the bus wizzed by fields of cows and felt the year drops on my cheeks. I was home. I returned home to ME. I was what was missing the whole time.
Here’s to all the choices I chose in 2019 that felt like shit and that felt so damn good. Here’s to all my choices that simply were.
You can check out my animated and more detailed experience of Ireland in my Podcast Episode #5 I KNOW WHO I AM.